Questions

Hello lovelies

I haven't had the heart to delete my profile from the online dating site yet...not sure if I'm keeping it for the entertainment or just bc "what if?" Either way...I have a couple questions I wanted to ask you guys...

Should I date this man?

Why is this man in his UNDERWEAR??

I am honestly baffled by this and embarrassed for this guy. Also, if you could pick any pair of undies to be photographed in for a photo you were going to use on a dating website, which ones would you choose? I mean REALLY?

Moving on...

Message:

Hello beautiful my name is Xxxx. Your profile was
truly interesting and I am eager to learn more.
I am looking for a new friend to pamper and converse
with, to take out on dates and see how we can excel.
I am an adventerous man and looking for a $exy
companion. Hopefully we can converse more live
and direct. Anyways my number is 651-xxx-xxxx hope to
hear from you soon. Peace and Love until then I'm
back in the wind........
Do you think $exy means the same thing as regular "sexy" but someone who is also rich? Like Ke$ha? I don't get it...

So if you have answers to these questions, please let me know :P

Online dating update

Good evening lovelies.

Here is my early Christmas gift to you all: a new blog :) In the midst of this holiday season, I've been fortunate to see people that I either a) have not seen in a long time, or b) just don't see very often and between these two groups of people, one thing is clear. Y'all only want to know one thing about me: How is the online dating going??

Well....here's some new messages that I've received recently...

Message 1
Hi, I'm sorry, it's tough reaching out, you're probably wrong to contact. I'm really sorry I'm contacting you because others let me
down. I'd hoped to have more fun with parties because I'm very enterprising with musical instruments, or journalism, but it's
usually for fun and stuff. I get really let down by having to reach out, you know, but it feels unreciprocated. I hope having fun
stuff doesn't interfere with meeting, or with introductions, and other scheduling issues. I'd set stuff aside for a while, but it didn't
change much. A while ago I was watching a lot of movies. I'd transferred colleges.

Umm sir? This is a dating website. You hit the button to message a GIRL. This isn't deardiary.com. So aside from the fact that once again, this is a non-native English speaker...he still uses the phrase "I'm sorry" to start the first two sentences. It's sad when you haven't even talked to someone yet and you're already apologizing. I don't know why he's so sorry. How could a person be so sad when they are "very enterprising with musical instruments" and "journalism" (for some reason, for me that conjurs up an image of a dude at a party with typewriter....weird). I like how the last two sentences sound the opening monologue to an emo-lifetime movie they would show on MTV. If you thought this couldn't get any better...haha ok, ok, you knew it could ;) Here's a snippet from his profile:

I'm into being creative. I'm a creative type. Creativity is just really important. Being creative really matters. Hobbies should be dull and productive. Goals should be more private. You possibly don't know yourself that well. Music is just noise. I enjoy cooking, the outdoors, and so forth. I feel I can be a good role model. I feel I will be more successful, in the future. I also enjoy movies, music, and other stuff.

2 things (because I'm limiting myself to 2): 1. How does he know whether or not I know myself that well?? 2. Music is noise....that he 'enjoys'? (I'm Ron Burgandy?) Ohhh wait for it...wait for it...this the what he has in the first date section:

It's important to understand people. Having fun's just what? Being boring is important. Lightening up helps.

He makes so much sense. That's exactly how I feel about having fun too. It's soooo..."just what?"

We interupt your regularly scheduled blog programming to bring you a list of usernames that Sarah would never date:

asian_dragon

(I have a 5'10" high requirement...guess how tall this guy is? Yes, yes, I know I'm only 5'0", we're looking out for the height of my future children people. I just want them to have a chance at being tall. A CHANCE! For crying out loud!)

thecambodianprince

same issue with this one...

passionatewonders

Does this say manly man to you? Also his picture is sideways...fb friends may remember a post with a message he sent me...

chicoxxxx

Synonyms for "small" should not be used...

polarisguyxx

self explanatory

Bildoexx

Rhymes with ----

mydogisbicurious

Uhhh yeah....

Back to our regularly scheduled programming

Message 2
I am stay at the Eagan - holiday inn. I am here for work all the time. I am in sales for nb Corp out of Chicago. No this not a hook up message. I am interested in finding a connection and taking things slow. Maybe dinner and or drinks. My name is Xxxx if your interested. What is your number, texting is a lot easier for me. Well hopefully talk you tomorrow.

This is NOT a hook up message. I repeat, this is NOT a hook up message...except that the first sentence references a hotel and the fact that you don't live here!! Give me a break here buddy. I see right through you and your pictures that are all you without a shirt on. You should sell those muscles to a porn site...you'd have more luck at the Holiday Inn that way. And those ladies will overlook the fact that you don't know proper grammar.

Message 3
Hey, is Canada too far?

Yes it is.

Message 4
wow you are beautiful to me. i would love to get to know you. how in the world are you single??

Pshhhh buddy, I ask myself that EVERY DAY!! bahaha I kid. I kid. This made me laugh...a lot.

So to be serious for a moment, I wanted to share some interesting things that have happened to me with this whole online dating nonsense.

1. An old friend (male) had me look at his own online dating profile and asked me for advice. (All I could think was, if this becomes a trend, I am CHARGING!)

2. I found two WBL grads on the site, only one of which admitted it. The other (who wasn't actually a friend of mine in high school) has yet to respond to my message asking if he's from WBL...

3. I got stood up. Well kind of. No no, I wasn't sitting at a bar alone with my whiskey-seven, twirling my hair and updating my fb on my phone. I would call it a mis-communication, except he never came back with an excuse for missing the date.

4. I actually tried to plan 3 dates (with 3 different people) in 3 days...only one of which actually happened (stood up once, got cancelled on and rescheduled another). I felt like that was the universe telling me that sort of behavoir is not allowed.

So now you may be wondering (or maybe you don't care at all and just want to me to keep rolling with my funny messages), are any of these working out? Have I met anyone nice?

To be honest, all the guys who actually made it through the messaging and were "lucky enough" [sarcasm] to meet me in person have all been really nice, normal guys. And really, whenever the date ended without me being chopped into little pieces, I considered that a success of sorts. Because in the end, I wasn't really expecting to meet someone this way. I was using online dating more as a hobby than as a train ticket to board the Love Express. Some people choose yoga or broomball...I chose to peruse profiles and disect messages and then share it with you lovely people.

That said, I hope you'll forgive me for what I'm about to say next. I decided this whole online dating thing isn't for me :\ I would detail the reasoning behind this but it's not really funny or mind blowing so I'll save you from that rambling. The bottom line is, if I'm going to go out with someone, under the expectation that it's a "date," then I would prefer to know already that I like them. Because then I'll know that the 20 minutes I spent curling my hair was worth it (I know I know, cry me a river Ms. high maintenance). And I won't feel bad when they pay for everything and I end up having a less than stellar time.

So what's my plan now? Well, I'm looking for any winter sports that don't require purchasing a large amount of equipment, a book club, or a year round pumpkin patch. Those all sound like reasonable places to meet someone, don't they? ;)

Until next time lovies, Osterbauer-OUT!

Oh and one last thing, can you guess whose tattoo this is??

.

Messaging 101:Lesson Brought to you by Sarah

Happy holiday weekend lovelies!
I decided that since I still have yet to experience any kind of nightmare date (knock on wood), I'll keep the magic going with some more messaging fun for you guys. I have discovered that there are only a few different kinds of online dating messages and they are illustrated for you here, with examples of course ;)

Type 1: I-just-like-your-picture-did-not-come-close-to-reading-your-profile-message

I understand, boys will be boys and when they see a pretty girl, they lose all sense of logic and just go for it. While I appreciate this enthusiam and the compliment, I'm not looking for just another pretty face, so why would I choose someone who is?

Example A:
Hey!! How r u doing today gorgeous??

This man's one and only photo is the dreaded phone bathroom shot. Not only that but he looks confused in the picture, like he cannot figure out how to smile for the photo and yet still see himself in the camera. It's sad really.

Example B:You're absolutely beautiful. How was your week? Big plans for today?

This guy does not have a picture. Nuf' said.

Example C:
__ ,.
,-,(c ';')_))
'//(__=3((---|>
' L L )). Struck by your beauty lol

Hahaha oh man...LOL is right!

Getting closer...Type 2: The profile one liner

This guy read your profile...or at least the first sentence and wants to show you he is interested in you, but only with minimal effort. These are tricky because they can go from sounding cute/sincere to creepy real fast. Men should be careful with these messages...if you say it out loud and it sounds creepy, then it probably is. Try again.

Example A:
salt, yes, but kosher salt better. Thoughts?

You should know one of my "interests" is salt (side note: why do I get the feeling that the more I share about my own profile, the more I look like some kind of a weirdo?...anyways....moving on..). E for effort...I think I might have been more compelled to write back if he mentioned Himilayan pink salt. Update: Upon encouragement from a friend who saw this guy's profile and decided he was "perfect for [me]" I was forced to respond to this guy...we'll see what happens.

Example B:
We should get together and play guitar sometime. =o)

He's making a kiss face in his picture. This has creeper potential except that the picture throws it off and makes it goofy. Regardless of message, I generally will always check out the profile of the person. With the goofy picture and the emoticon, I was def surprised to find this on his profile:

Lastly, some of you [women] are unbelievably rude and hostile. You really need to take a good look in the mirror, both literally and figuratively, because you're not quite the catches you think you are. A lot of average or less than average people on here think they're deserving of perfect people. But I don't care how physically attractive you are either, your bad attitude make you look pretty ugly.

Also, if you don't like certain things, you don't need to insult someone who isn't that. It only shows how insecure and screwed up you are and why you aren't able to find someone.

Insecure and screwed up you say? Hmmm I think I might know why YOU are having trouble finding someone...jus' sayin.

Example C
I can make you laugh

Ok so my "tag line" says, "looking for someone to make me laugh". And I did respond to this one but he wrote back requesting "more pictures". Delete message and byeeee.

Type 3: The manufactured message, universal, sent to everyone....

Example A1
Nice profile, you sound like a rockstar. Looks like you are one positive person who has got her life together. What are some of the things you look for in a person? For me, life is about taking risks, meeting new people and setting goals that are attainable for myselves.

When my friends and I go fishing, they want to catch a Mermaid. Me, I’m just hoping that I’ll catch a fish that has gold fins. You don’t have to be prefect in everyone’s in my eyes. You just have to brighten up my world...

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take. But by the moments that take our breaths away. -Rev. Ronald McDodden

Example A2
Wow.. Your pretty detailed in stating what type of person you are. Sounds like you have great self-confidence and know where you are going in life. I like that,(a person with a passion for living… MN Twins are ok, LOL).

For me, life is about taking risks, remember the sadness in our past, hoping that the best is yet to come and always setting goals that are attainable for ourselves.

When my friends go fishing, they want to catch a Mermaid. Me, I’m just hoping that I’ll catch a fish with golden fins. You don’t have to be prefect in everyone’s in my eyes. You just have to brighten up my world. I believe that when two people are compatible with each other. Both individuals morph into what will make a relationship work...

Dinner or coffee on a first date?

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take. But by the moments that take our breaths away.
-Rev. Ronald McDodden

So I love that this guy at least changes the first paragraph to cater to the individual, however, he clearly is not paying attention to who he's sending these messages to (or at least I hope he's not?). Cause the whole speil about the mermaid is not a bedtime story I needed to hear more than once.

Example B
Hi I just read your profile which piqued my interest in a few areas so I thought I'd send a quick feeler out on the odd chance your real and or really lookin. I'm Xxxx from [City], a pretty straight to the point guy that's not lookin to bs and/or waste your time. I saw your profile and it caught my interest (maybe you'll feel the same). A lil bout myself, I'm 32, 6'2" dark brown hair, hazel green eyes, very athletic, nice smile, laid back but can be competitive, fun seeking guy that loves to ride motorcycle and stay active/workout among a bunch of other stuff. If your interested just hit me up, I look forward to chatting....
Ok so I realize to the untrained eye this might seem like a nice normal message. However, notice how nothing is about me? Only about him. That's bc he has this stored somewhere to send to any girl who peaks his interest. While the efficiency is commendable, girls want to feel special, and manufactured messages do the opposite of that. Also, I find it comical that he describes himself as having a "nice smile". I don't write messages to guys that say "I'm pretty" or "I have great boobs" because I realize whether or not I think that's true, it's in the eye of the beholder. Another one I love, "I have a great body"...ok handsome, we'll see about that :P

Type 4: The quirky and weird

Example A
You have an amazing smile. Can you describe what romance means to you in the 21st century?

Is this a test? Cause it feels like a test....

Random Grammatical Error message
Hi are you Beautiful? I have looked at your pic and profile and enjoyed what I say and read. You seem like a real as woman who needs a real as man. Well search nomore. I would love to get to know you and hopefully be with you in the future. I play no games,I hate liars and cheaters. I am a Southern brother so my valuses are different then the north.. get back with me only if you are serious

I don't know? Am I beautiful? Do you think he actually thinks "ass" is spelled "a-s"? What is a valus? Oh I'm serious buddy....serious about grammar and punctuation!

Type 5: The Obscene and Strange

Example A)
Hii, my name is Xxxx and i'm new in the USA, i kinda like your profile
usually i dont date women younger then 32, because i like the older look and i think
it is very sexy, but in your case, you look older then your real age around 31-33
(maybe cuz you smoke?) i love the old look !!!!! and i would love to know if you also
have good personality other then your mature look. i like asian food- rice and dogs meat (its
hard to find in america) what r u doing in your life?

So let me get this straight, this guy thinks I look old (for the record I'm 28 and it says that on my profile). And that I possibly smoke, even though my profile clearly says that I do not. Not to mention the kicker, HE EATS DOGS??! I kind of feel like this is some kind of tasteless Korean joke someone is playing on me...cause here's what his profile says:

i love good food and all kind of meat, i eat all kind of meat, i like to eat dogs yes i saw that in america dogs
is like a human but for me its not pet it i s a food i love to eat dogs.
so if you are veggi, please dont waste my time.

I'm suddenly at a loss for words here...Oh and I should mention under "Interests" he has "nothing" listed and in the "First Date" section it says simply "no dates"...because he eats dogs....and I'm guessing he's on the site searching for his next meal, not a girlfriend.

And the one you've all been waiting for...

Example B)
Hey looking sexy : ) wanted to ask you if its a myth or true that girls under 5'5 are much tighter ? : ) im Mark btw .... dont be shy about it : )

I don't even really know where to begin with what's wrong with this message. A) What kind of girl would actually answer this question? B) How the *^%$ would I even know that?? Because as a straight girl obvs I have been trolling around measuring vjjs and have been dying to share my findings with a pig such as him. This guy's interests include but are not limited to: making $$$, girls with accents and partying NYC style. He also has a foot fetish and "gets along wit every1". Yeah I bet. Barf. Excuse me now I have to go take a shower....ewww

And with that lovelies, I leave you with this hilarious picture of a one of the guys that wants to "meet me". If that shirt doesn't get him a girlfriend, I don't know what will!

Online Dating, Step 1: the Messaging

I know you're all anxiously awaiting what will surely be my first disaster date story with one of these weirdos. Unfortunately (fortunately?) I'm still in the early stages of this monster and all I have for now are some really amazing (read= awful) messages I've been getting.

It may or may not be important to know, the site that I'm on allows people to do the following to let you know they're interested. You can select someone as your "favorite", you can let them know you want to "meet them", you can send them a message which can include a "gift" (read=clip art photo of a necklace) or a "rose" (why the rose is separate from the gift, I have no clue) or you can try to chat them. I ignore all chat requests cause it's weird and feels really aggressive to me.

And with that, I give you the "best of the best" :)

Message 1:
Subj: you seem...
Body: ...like you'd be a girl with confidence. Maybe you like a man who feels comfortable at a party where they don't know anyone because you are outgoing and want a man who is the same? :) Hmm.. [my username] I wonder if there's chemistry.. When you like a guy what do you crave more, romance, or passion?

Can you imagine if someone asked you that in person? "What do you crave more, romance or passion?? Sounds like a line from a commerical for chocolate or vodka. I really wanted to give this guy benefit of the doubt that this was a joke and he isn't really this corny and weird but then I found this on his profile:

The sweet, beautiful voice of a feminine woman is something that always makes my heart skip a beat.

Other winning points for this guy, his user name has "Stud" in it which really no one should use. Cause you're either a) not actually a "stud" and now you look silly or b)you are a stud and now you look like a douchebag.

Also, the profile picture he uses, when reduced to a thumbnail, is only of his crotch. A jeans covered crotch yes, but crotch just the same. I hope he finds someone with a sweet feminine voice that he loves so much. It would be sad if he fell for a chick with a man voice.

Moving on...

Message 2
Subj: Hi
Body: can i get you number, or something so we can talk, i really like get know you, you very
pritty.
At first, I thought this was a set up by one of my "avid fans" who was playing into my "love" of grammitical errors. But then upon further investigation I discovered, if you look at this guy's profile, it's very clear that he is a non-native English speaker. Still...if you were in another country and posting an online dating profile, wouldn't you have one of your native friends proof read it for you? Also his "About me" has the same sentence repeated 5 times. Yeah, I'm serious. I wish I was kidding. It looks like this (I'm not copying and pasting only cause it's so sad it makes me feel bad):

I like swimming, games, food.
I like swimming, games, food.
I like swimming, games food.

You get the idea. Imagine I wrote that two more times.

Message 3
Subj: Hellooooo
Body:Hi:) How are you?? Just going through all these profiles, pretty much the same old same, but you sounded sweat and wanted to get to know you better.

Funny how one letter makes such a big difference. Once again, PROOF READING. DO ITTTTTT. Not that it would've helped this guy. He looks like a murderer. Ok ok, murderer is harsh. I'll go with creeper. Huge creeper. When I told my friend Emily I would be sure to not let anyone pick me up at my place and park under a light when I meet these dudes, and she said that's what she'll tell Lifetime when they interview her for my movie, this was the guy she was talking about.

Message 4, 5, 6, 7
Subj: Hi
Body: You are very attractive

This toolshed sent this same message 4 times. I understand technical issues but anything beyond 1 duplicate message suggests someone "special". To me. Anyways.

Message 8
Subj: Oh Man!
Body: Takes charge and plans things on a first date? Interesting. So, how would you feel if a
guy even told you something specific to wear?

So obvs my profile says for a first date I'd rather have him plan it. But check this...so here's what this guy's profile says under the "first date" section:

You're going to be told exactly what to wear. That's step number one. Inquire for step number two, please

The rest of it is equally weird/goofy and I honestly think he's just trying to be funny but his humor doesn't translate well on paper. Also, I'm over these idiots who say "I'm going to be honest, I think I'm the funniest guy I know". *I'm* going to be honest, I think you're setting yourself up for failure. Also strange, this guy is from here but now lives in Louisiana. Apparently he's searching for a long distance relationship?

So kids, that's all I got for now. Lots of nonsense to read through. Oh and I should inform you, Mr. C*** master from last week had already said he wanted to "meet me" and then following my blog post I was added to his "favorites". I promptly removed myself from his favorites and then weird, he added me right back in. Lucky me :)

 

"Adventures" in Online Dating

Hello lovelies. It is with great joy that I am pleased to re-enter the blog-a-sphere.

As you may or may not know, I have decided to enter the world of online dating. After many requests (many= 3) I decided it's only right to share my experiences with you all. Because what else is a classic over-sharer/attention to whore to do really?

I set up my online profile on Thursday and was immediatly flooded with messages and chat requests. Some guys wanted to chat even before I finished filling out the profile (scary - 1st thought, shouldn't they wait til you finish your profile before they throw you to the wolves?). My profile basically says I love music, food and baseball. My interests included (but were not limited to): MN Twins, Adele, salt, running and Christmas. Here is the picture I used:

Here's a few of the initial messages I got:

1. Subj: you're..., Body: beautiful!! Hope you're having a great night!

ummm ok thanks...

2. Subj: Open in case of EMERGENCY, Body: So you're one of those girls who DOES have a car!

What??

3. Subj: How much does a polar bear weigh? Body: Enough to break the ice!

How many times has that one worked for ya' buddy?

4. Subj: Hi, Body: What are you doing tonight? Wanna grab drinks?

Ummm no. There's this thing I do...it's called making plans IN ADVANCE.

So you get these massages and if they seem alright then you check their profile for further investigation. Here's some profile dealbreakers I realized I have set for myself.

1. If your only picture is one you took yourself, standing in front of the mirror in your bathroom (if you're shirtless that's double bad), with your phone (that I can see in the picture) that's a dealbreaker! How is it that you have NO pictures of yourself, that you like, that were maybe from an occasion where people normally take pictures...a wedding, a night out, a vacation...SOMETHING! It's ok to crop out your ex. Just say no to the pics in the bathroom.

2. If you know me, then you know I'm not real outdoors-ey so my dear friend Emily suggested anyone whose picture is them with a fish is a no-go. (You would not believe how many people that rules out).

3. Here's a big one...and I feel bad because my own brother-in-law would not pass this test but spelling and grammatical errors ruin my impression of an otherwise seemingly nice/normal person. When all you have to judge someone by is a photo and how they look on paper, then these errors count for more than they do in real life with someone you know better.

Real profile examples of this:

GuyA: Ok so of course when I want to exploit him on the internet I cannot find this dude. But he used "there" for "their", "they're" and "there"...all over his "About Me" section.

GuyB: This guy has a masters degree and is a teacher...copied and pasted from his profile -"I can be spontaneous and enjoy making spur of the moment plans, but nothing to crazy like driving to the airport and catching the first thing smoking outta town. (Well maybe)..." Same guy, in his "Interests" where you're supposed to list things he has "Hey" and "What's up". It's very clear when you're filling out the profile that they want you to actually list things you're interested in and they give examples. Teachers should know better than anymore the value of proofreading. I mean, c'mon!

GuyC: This guy is uber good looking...good looking enough that I would've over looked the 1st offense of the bathroom self portrait except then I read his profile and saw this under the 1st date section: "Anything that allows two people to talk and get to no eachother......." I would like to get to know someone...but I'm unsure of how to get to 'no' them?...

4. Talking about sex in your profile is dealbreaker

Example: GuyD: "F.Y.I.,I'm a Cunnilingus Master(dictionary should have its meaning,if you're curious)."

So many things wrong with that I don't even know where to begin. This man also describes himself as"a few extra pounds over weight" and requires that anyone who messages him, sends a "full body picture". Yuck.
So even after filtering through and getting rid of anyone with the above going on, I did actually find a couple people I sent messages to. In my search of these people, I noticed something I thought was funny. Lots of people around here are looking for ADVENTURE!!

Examples:
"I need to go on adventures, you know, locally and, out there where ever life takes you."
Headline -"Adventurous type?? Please apply"
"Looking for fun lovin girl to share my adventures with"

In crafting my message to one of said adventurers I wrote -"what kind of "adventures" are you looking for? I'm pretty much up for anything". I showed this to my friend (because really I should not be unsupervised doing this) who burst out laughing and told me to erase said message because it sounded sexual. Clearly I am going to be awesome at this.

So far the most exciting thing that's happened to me on this online dating site, has been finding a long lost hometown friend (who is not on facebook, imagine that?). That's it for now lovelies but I'll keep the blog rolling here, hopefully with regular updates, because then even if I don't find Mr. Right, at least we'll all have been entertained somewhat. Leave your comments on the blog or on fb. Happy times people. The search for love is on! :P

Idol Rocks with the help of Will.i.am & Gwen

Hello lovelies! I FINALLY was able to watch Idol in real time thanks to a gifted digital box and the help of my darling brother-in-law to program it for me. Tonight the Idols took on "rock" hits with help from permanent mentor Jimmy Iovine and Will.i.am. Gwen Stefani, though physically nowhere to be seen, lent her fashion expertise to the girls (some wore it better than others...).

First up Jacob. He was going to do "Lets Get It On" but then decided that it didn't fit his "moral profile". Umm ok Jacob. I have nothing against anyone wanting to keep it in their pants until marriage or love or whatever but really, the song could just as easily have been about "getting it on" with a consented signifcant other with whom one could be in love with/married. It didn't have to mean straight screaming promiscuity...(although it probably was)..hence such is the beauty of music. It can mean what you want it to. I also felt that his alternate choice, "Man in the Mirror" seemed trite. In the wake of the tragedy of Japan I felt like he was using the song as an opportunity to congratulate himself more than he actually wanted people to reach out. Not that any effort to inspire people to help should be dissed...but it bears mentioning when the motivation maybe isn't coming from an honest place. His remark that, if he goes home it won't be because he didn't perform well, it'll be because people are afraid to look at themselves in the mirror, felt incredibly condescending to me. I thought his performance was decent but I didn't quite fall all over it like the judges.

Casey also did a song switch when he almost did "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" but then ended up shoosing Creedence Clearwater Revival's "I Can't Stand the Rain" instead. This switch is Sarah approved because "Magic" has an awkward beat which most contestants tend to get wrong on the show. Not that I doubt Casey's far superior musicianship over any contestant past or present....but sometimes the band has a mind of its own. Better just to avoid that type of mishap all together. Also Jimmy was right...it *did* sound like a conga/rhumba. Loved Mr. I.am telling Casey the combo of the melodic changes plus the finger snapping made it sound loungy. Casey sounded great on Creedence. Randy was right...Casey has single-handedly made playing the upright bass cool. There were moments when he was straining too much but other than that...solid work. Not jumping out of my seat...but good.

Haley decided to give the judges what they've been waiting for and went for the Janis. She did "Piece of My Heart" which has been an Idol favorite, done by many including Crystal Bowersox and Carrie Underwood. Once again I felt that Haley's growls and howls were coming from her head and not her heart which I'm proud to say is the same assessment that Will.i.am gave her. I do think her growling would've been more effective on "Cry Baby" but then it wouldn't have been as good as Allison Iraheta's rendition so the sitch was lose lose for her.

Lauren, despite her unfortunate ensemble of strapless gingham romper paired with jacket which gave her a diaper appearence, blew the roof off "Natural Woman". I would venture to say it was just as good as Kelly's! (Ok so I re-watched Kelly's and I take that back. She hits a Mariah note in her version and that alone puts it at a level above Lauren...but still Lauren's was up there). I say it every time and I'll say it again...her talent is EFFORTLESS. She *could* actually sing the phonebook and it would be a hit.

James gave up the signature run around and Glambert highnote for "While My Guitar Gently Weeps". It was nice to remember what his voice actually sounds like when he's not doing a high pitched glass breaking wail. I appreciated the tenderness for once and you could tell, even sans the waterworks that the feeling he was projecting was genuine.

For Scotty, Elvis was a completely natural transition for him from country to country rock. I loved the way he crooned "That's Alright Mama". He was showing serious swagger owning the scat part in the middle and bringing out the sass in every line. Love that Lo thought he had been picking up his moves from rap videos. Too funny. Jenny from the Block...freals. She can spot an inch of ghetto from a mile away. The girls running up on the stage at the end was overkill..but really..kid killed it.

Pia did yet another Celine Dion number (they called it Tina Turner but you know all she was thinking was Celine, Celine, Celine), "River Deep Mountain High". She looked amazing in the black and white leopard print jumper with the Egyptian inspired neckware. I watched it a second time looking for something wrong with it and I can't find one thing. She was pitch perfect, with the intensity in all the right places. Even though I think her choices are very much calculated...they don't come off as fake as Haley's.

Stefano finally found his place tonight with "When a Man Loves a Woman". He should sing directly to Lo more often :P I loved the extra quiet open and the extra lengthy money note towards the end. This guy was definitely in it to win it tonight. When he finished all I could hear was Lo yelling "baby baby baby!"...I wonder how Marc feels about that?

Last up was Paul who cose "Folsom Prison Blues". Per Jimmy, "Johnny Cash was one of the coolest guys ever". Amen. I love Johnny and I do love Paul...do I love them together? Idk...I felt this was somewhat of an odd choice for Paul. I felt like he did as well as he could've done but it wasn't my favorite by any means. For what is a sort of dark anthem, Paul managed to turn it into a upbeat kind of happy sounding ditty. Not that it didn't sound good, cause it did...but the animal it became just wasn't anything I liked.

So my top 3 are Lauren, Scotty and Pia. My bottom 3 are Paul, Haley and Jacob. I felt like Pia and Stefano really came out fighting tonight and it showed. Casey was maybe overthinking it a bit. Jacob is Jacob...I'm sure he'll be safe but he can hit the road any time. I will not be missing him. Same goes for Haley. If I had to do my picks over again I would've maybe put Lauren in my top spot but who knows...maybe Casey will come back on top next week. That's all for this week Idolers. Osterbauer-OUT!

Motown (sans Philly) Back Again

Damn the DVR for making me miss week 2 of Idol. I did not want to disappoint and miss yet another week so I stealthly deleted a number of recordings to ensure that nothing would interfere with my viewing of this week's episode. I must say it's weird missing Idol for a week. It makes my life all out of wack and I feel somewhat unlike myself. But then it's week 3 already and I find that my Wed night is yet again full forcing me to watch Idol a day late. And it's Idol's fav week, Motown. Idol has done Motown almost every season. The music fails to age and even as the contestants become younger and younger, most them still claim to have "grown up listening to Motown". And for this season we bring back some Idol stand bys.

Casey picked one of them: "I Heard it Throught the Grapevine"...does anyone but me remember the claymation California Raisins cartoon where this was the theme song? Cause that's all I think of when I hear it...I'm not sure if I should be embarressed about that or not...ahh well...someone convinced Casey that if he wears a suit it should be paired with hair gel. This resulted in Casey becoming the oxy moron that is a bearded sleezeball. Now I love me some Casey....in all his Casey-ness....working the stage, growling at me and what not...but I felt that even his usual growl was a bit strained. The judges hearted it...Styler of course found it to be BEAUTIFUL....bc he thinks everything in life is beautiful.

All of my notes about Thia's performance are about her outfit...I "love love loved" her strapless dress with the satin black sweetheart neckline, empire waist and pink chiffon ruffle bottom. I also want to know where she got the rhinestone heart shaped necklace. Thia will always have a really beautiful tone to her voice...unfortunately she lacks emotion and energy when she sings and everything becomes boring. We knew we were in for it when Jimmy asked the producers, "Can she pull that off live?" umm no. She sounded flat in spots and then I don't know if it was her unique pronounciation or what but I swear she forgot some of the words and mumbled nonsense at one point.

Side note before we get into Jacob's performance. 2 things. I actually really enjoyed Jimmy Iovine's comments tonight. I felt they were specific to the contestants and he was really giving them sound advice. Then I also wondered, is Jimmy (and his scores of notorious producers) the only menors we'll see this season? Cause I'm pretty sure the least they could do would be JLo week and Styler week. C'mon now.

So Jacob picked, "You're All I Need". It was a good choice for him, not that there really was a bad choice for him. Motown is his wheelhouse. Jimmy told him to keep his vocal olympics under control....to make the big moves when it counts and I agreed. I'll admit I really enjoyed Jacob's performance but at the same time I feel like when he jumps from the high falsetto to his lower register that the whole thing becomes like a caricature of a song. At that point it's not about the feeling in the song...it's just about what he can do vocally.

When Lauren nailed the opening line of "You Keep Me Hanging On" I had goosebumps. She was yet again effortlessly in tune and she gave the song a country feel. I believed in her frustration that she was feeling in the song and felt that a lil' sumthin sassy is def her money maker. Styler told her she "ripped that song another beautymark". Well said. Also she is queen of animal print.

Stefano is king of being the dreamiest guy on Idol. It's almost hard for me to write anything about how he sang cause really I just couldn't stop staring at his cute face. But lets face it, Stefano wins the "worst song choice of the night award" for "Hello" a song whose face was rocked off by my other husband, D. Cook. Need a reminder of the epicness? This song is still in regular rotation on my ipod people. It's amazing. It should prob be retired to Idol song Heaven. I like how Stefano said he loved Motown and then picked an 80s song. I did like some of the liberties he took with the phrasing but it wasn't enough to make it good. Lo still loves him but I think he could be in trouble. Unless there are shallow women out there who vote soley on looks...I for one do not know anyone like that....

Haley the sexpot picked "You Really Got a Hold on Me". I like how Jimmy's only comment about Haley was that they worked with her on how to move when she's on stage and who to make eye contact with. She bothers me so much. She growls and oohs and ahhs and I feel like how she chooses when to do that isn't based on feeling...just when she thinks it would sound best. She gets a A for her legs. And an F for life. hahaha ohh sorry Cody.

Scotty Scotty Scotty (oh man...I just did a Randy). Is there  person in America that would not like this kid? If he doesn't make it in music he could become a youtube star from making baskets shooting from balconies. Good grief. That shot was sweet. He's def a guy's guy....baseball, basketball...ping pong with the producers. I liked the country vibe he created on "For Once in My Life". It wasn't perfect...but it was close and it was different. He got to hit his "lady killer notes" so all was right with the world.

Pia wears another amazing dress and nails yet another ballad. Her moves seem all very calculated...not in a fake pageanty way but a professional Carrie Underwood way.

Paul did a very James Morrison-y version of "Tracks of My Tears"....another song that a former contestant by the name of Glambert blew out da water. Even though Paul's version was quite different from Adam's so as not to beg for a comparison...it still wasn't as good. I didn't feel like he was connecting with the lyrics at all until closer to the end when the chorus picked up and sounded more angry than upbeat and happy like the beginning.

Oh Naima...I feel like she's almost too much for the show. The homemade fashion...writing her own rhymes...African dance breakdown. She sounded pretty good. But I feel like the other stuff distracts from her performance.

James rocked it out on his performance of "Livin for the City". I agreed with Randy, until the backstep action on the side of the stage, I dont think he was all the way into it. But after that, game on. He is a natural performer and you could tell Jimmy really thought he was something special.

For the most part Motown delivered last night. Even the performances I wasn't such a fan of weren't awful. i think Stefano, Thia and Naima could be in trouble...but then again I have no idea how people did last week or who was bottom 3 even...oh except that they showed Haley in the bottom...not surpised.